I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
