Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
