youre lurking in front of me
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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