Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching