The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
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She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
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And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia