I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table