I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
