Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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