you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Your penis caused this!
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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