my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
