hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
