She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Randomize
