If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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