Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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