My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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