I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
