i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I deserve this hangover.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
