I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Randomize
