mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
