After last night, I could never be a politician.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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