It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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