I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
