you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
then he tried to convert me to islam
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
