drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
