life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
