Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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