After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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