Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
