I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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