He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
