Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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