You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
