I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
