Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
