You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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