Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
