Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
