Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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