I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
