chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
