Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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