Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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