theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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