This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
