wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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