There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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