paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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