no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
