you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
