Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
