rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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