he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
