That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
