We won't sleep together?
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
