I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
