I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
