3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize