I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
how drunk are you?
Several
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
