Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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