I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Randomize
