Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
