thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Randomize