I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Randomize
