My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
