shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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