I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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