Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
