I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
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Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
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WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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